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Post by Pippignomie on Jul 28, 2006 15:47:12 GMT
;D
What's green and smells of pork? Kermit's fingers.
What's green and turns red as it spins? Kermit in a blender!
2 biscuits are crossing a road, one gets knocked over Q: what does the over one say? A: oh crumbs!!!
How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day? When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil
"Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and Jack Straw. They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" "Most people are giving about a gallon."
tee hee! Add any more if you think of them!
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Post by Pippignomie on Jul 28, 2006 15:48:18 GMT
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...........thank you for shopping at Asda.
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Post by Pippignomie on Jul 28, 2006 16:03:55 GMT
There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.
They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.
Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"
"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."
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Post by Roulette on Jul 28, 2006 16:35:03 GMT
My dear, you must be bored.
<3
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Post by Pippignomie on Jul 28, 2006 23:37:01 GMT
Very bored! And easily amused!
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Post by Roulette on Jul 29, 2006 13:14:51 GMT
Teehee
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Post by yazuil on Jul 31, 2006 17:50:18 GMT
Firstly a couple from the ledgend that is Alan Davies:
Whats brown and sticky? A Stick
What's Red and sits in tht corner? A naughty Strawberry
Now i think it's time to slide into the time honoured tradition that is dead baby jokes!
What's Red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller? A Baby with a potato peeler
How do you stop a baby drowning? Take your foot off its head
WHats blue and yellow and is found at the bottom of pools? A baby with slashed arm-bands
How do you get 50 babies in a mini? Use a blender
How do you get them out? Use a straw
Whats about knee high, can't fit through doors and was in the wrong place at the wrong time? A baby with a javelin in its head
And now to end on the best joke ever ever ever
What is Green and Hard? A frog with a gun
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Post by yazuil on Aug 3, 2006 18:46:50 GMT
If you were going to put a baby in a blender which way up would you put in, feet-first or head-first? Feet first, just to see the expression on its face
Why did the blonde put on green lip-stick? Well.....red means 'stop' doesnt it?......
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Post by Darth Fanboy on Aug 11, 2006 23:10:45 GMT
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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Post by Darth Fanboy on Aug 11, 2006 23:21:50 GMT
Upgrading to Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
A "don't remind me again" button. Minimize button. Ability to delete the "headache" file An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system resources. An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective. I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!
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Post by yazuil on Aug 16, 2006 14:56:18 GMT
This aint a bad joke, its a quality radio transcript
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU DIVERT YOUR COURSE IMMEDIATELY!
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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Post by Darth Fanboy on Aug 16, 2006 15:06:33 GMT
I'm sure that it was a Brittish lighthouse and an American carrier.
That, and there was no such carrier as the HMS Britannia. Ever.
I like spoiling things.
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Post by yazuil on Aug 16, 2006 15:58:49 GMT
I was also briefly confused by that but then again, i did nick it from an irish person who is truly therefore not doing anything to contradict their country's image of general foolishness.
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Post by Darth Fanboy on Aug 16, 2006 18:13:54 GMT
Canadian lighthouse and American carrier also seems to be popular on teh internets.
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Post by Darth Fanboy on Aug 21, 2006 9:43:56 GMT
Trojan Horse Virus
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
Poseidon
* * *
FROM: hector@studmuffin.com TO: laocoon@gloondome.edu RE: Greeks bearing gifts
Laocoon,
I hate to break this to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:
1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" rap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
Bye now,
Hector.
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